I came to school a bitter and spiteful young boy. I had seen all of the college movies before and I knew how freshman were treated. I was basically left out of the all of the hazing because I had varsity athletes for roommates, and well, you just don't mess with varsity athletes. Other freshmen did get rasped though, and they wanted to do something about it. I'd like to think that it was because of my natural leadership ability, but it was probably just because I had food, anyway, the freshmen in the section organized around me and a new faction in section 3-A was formed … the infamous 3-D.
3-D was all about freshmen unity and segregation from the rest of the section. The upperclassmen in 3-A soon grew did not much appreciate the opposition against them, but there was nothing that they could do, the coalition that was 3-D, was that powerful.
Wally, the section leader of 3-A, did not like this separation in the section. He always believed in the power of a strong community. He understood that the hazing of the freshmen did not strengthen the section, but neither did the 3-D faction. But what could be done now, the damage was done … or was it?
Much like William Wallace realized that the Bruce's help was integral in uniting the tribes in "Braveheart", Wally realized that my cooperation with him was integral for section unification. But how could he get my cooperation? How could he get to a cocky freshman with power? The answer: The Lazy Man Decathalon!
The rules of the Decathalon were simple. It was Wally versus me. Each combatant chose five events of slothfulness and the events could not involve drinking as drinking is bad. The first to 6 wins won. The loser had to resign from section leader of their respective section and the winner would inherit that title.
Power-hungry and zealous, I wanted to win this competition badly. I put a lot of thought into my events, focusing on my strengths and Wally's weaknesses. In the end I decided to go with StarFox on my Nintendo 64, the Kevin Bacon Game, throwing playing cards for distance, leg extensions for strength, and piggy-backing on each other for endurance.
Wally's strategy was slightly different than mine. He figured that to beat me, he simply had to think of events so vile and disgusting that a priss like myself would never dare partake in. Wally's final five events were: pulling the trigger, a swirlie competition, pulling the trigger, a ***** dance race, and a beater and boxer race across North Quad.
With the events set, the competition began late one Sunday morning. It started with my event, StarFox on the N64. Having played the game everyday, all summer long, I easily beat Wally who had played the game all of ten minutes in his life. (For those keeping score: Smitty-1, Wally-0)
Next it was on to the dining hall, for preparation of Wally's first event, pulling the trigger. I basically gorged myself, eating everything that I could so that my body would naturally want to boot. Wally on the other hand focused on oatmeal and various juices. He wanted to make his vomit look pretty for the event. As the section left the dining hall, everyone was told to take an apple (I'll get to that later). We went into the 3-A common room where a lone garbage can had been placed in the center of the room. Everybody in 3-A and 3-D packed the room to watch the event. On the count of three both me and Wally had our forefingers down our throat. Being that I have no sphincter, it did not take me long to revisit my Belgian waffles from five minutes earlier. While the event was over, Wally did not give up. He pulled a plastic bag over his head and continued to stuff his finger down his throat until his face was red and an orange trickle, w hich he claimed was boot came out. He was not pleased that I had beat him at his game. (Smitty-2, Wally-0)
Event three: The Kevin Bacon Game. A best of five competition and an easy victory for me. I beat Wally in three rounds, though I was surprised to discover that his knowledge of movies extended beyond "Slapshot". (Smitty-3, Wally-0)
To the bathroom for Wally's next event, the swirlee competition. I wasn't really sure what to expect as I entered the men's room. As I opened the door, I was greeted by Wally with some paper towels in one hand and a bottle of disinfectant in the other. Wally cleaned out the first two urinals with his cleaner and told me the rules of his event. We each had one minute and our goal was to give ourselves as many swirlee's as possible within that minute. We both went at the same time and it soon became evident that Wally was going to win. His toilet flushed so much faster than mine and in the end he had given himself 5 more swirlees than me. I couldn't be angry though, he may have had the better toilet, but it was the luck of the draw. I later was told that Wally spent the previous night flushing the toilets to find out which one was the fastest. Hey, he got me. (Smitty-3, Wally-1)
Already in the bathroom, it was now time for Wally's third event: bobbing for apples in the toilet. Five apples were thrown into an uncleansed toilet. Wally and I would go individually, racing against the clock until all of the apples in the toilet had been orally removed. Wally went first. His roommate Dan Santone had advised him to suck the apples. Wally followed the advice, using his mouth as a vacuum. Sure, he drank enough toilet water to make anyone cringe, but he had all of the apples removed in less than a minute! Wally thought he had me. I had always been terrible at bobbing for apples and I thought there was no way I could beat Wally's time. I contemplated forfeiting the event, but the crowd was thirsty for more action, and I have always loved to entertain. I went all out, violently thrusting my face into the bowl. Forty-five seconds later, my drenched head emerged from the stall, a pile of five apples by my side. I had won. (Smitty-4, Wally-1)
With 3 of my events remaining in the competition, and a 4-1 lead, I was feeling pretty cocky. Playing card throwing for distance was the next event, an event I had chosen. I had read one of those "Stupid Party Tricks" books earlier in the year and I had read about a sneaky way of throwing cards where toss the deck of cards underhand, holding the top and bottom card of the deck and letting the middle cards slip out and fly together. It was supposed to be an unbeatable technique. Not knowing of my technique, Wally tried throwing a few individual cards. They went nowhere. Then he started licking the cards and sticking them together. When Wally was through with the deck he had a giant wad of saliva and cardboard. He chucked his wad like a baseball and it went the length of the hall. Amazed by Wally's um, creativity, I still tried my technique. The deck went about ten feet, crashed into the wall and that was it. Wally had easily beaten me and my once commanding lead had grown that much smaller. (Smitty-4, Wally-2)
My ego a bit diminished, I was ready for the next event, leg extensions. Earlier in the week I had beaten both of my roommates, a varsity football player and a varsity soccer player, in lifting weights the way men lift weights, using the leg extension machine. I thought Wally would be no problem … and he wasn't. I put the maximum weight on the machine and lifted it with one leg to begin. All Wally could really do was tie me. Wally sat at the machine and tried until his face was beet red, but the machine would not budge. (Smitty-5, Wally-2)
After a crushing defeat at the hands of the leg extension machine, Wally was ready to compete in an event he knew a little better … the ***** dance race. Anybody who knows Wally, I am sure, has experienced this dance at one time or another, so I won't get into exactly what this race entailed. All I can say is that I was not a happy camper. Wally had borrowed my clippers earlier in the week. It didn't take long for me to put two and two together. Enraged, I actually thought I had a chance to beat Wally at this race. Trousers were dropped, and the race began. Like some sort of rabid squirrel, Wally whipped through the race and easily beat me. I could at least take solace in the fact that at least my inner thighs weren't chaffed! (Smitty-5, Wally-3)
The next event was an important one for me. With a 5 to 3 lead, I needed just one more victory to win the Decathalon. The ninth event was my event, a piggy-back endurance challenge. I knew that I would forfeit the beater-boxer race across the Quad, Wally's final event, so if I wanted to win, I needed to win now. The piggy-back endurance challenge was picked myself after a lot of careful consideration. For the challenge, the combatant would have to carry the other competitor on his back and walk up and down the hall. The man that walked the furthest won. At the time, I weighed about 235, Wally weighed maybe 180, a 55 pound difference. Wally convinced me that we should do the event covered in vasoline. Knowing that I had him in my grasp, I obliged with Wally's wishes. I went first, greased, with a greased Wally on my back. I walked up and down the hall fairly easily for about two laps. Then Wally started shaking and trying to slip off. I continued on for about 4 more laps and then quit. I was confident that Wally would not beat me. Wally carried me on his back for five laps. I could tell that he was getting tired, but he was still going strong. I thought I would give Wally some of his own medicine. I started shaken and slipping. Halfway through the sixth lap Wally broke down. I had won the event and the Decathalon! (Smitty-6, Wally-3)
Wally graciously congratulated me on my victory. He told me that he never thought I would do some of the things that I did and that I proved him wrong. I was excited to officially have power in the section. There were things that I wanted to do for the section (parties to throw, etc.) and I was eager to get to work. At the time I felt sorry for Wally. Being section leader was so important to me and I could only assume that it was for Wally too. Only later did I realize that what happened with the Decathalon was exactly what Wally wanted to happen. Wally saw a section in disarray and wanted to unite it. Not only did everyone come together (3-A and 3-D) to watch the Decathalon, but also he had given the freshmen a feeling of representation in the section by giving his Section Leader position to me. The section later thrived and eventually became 2-B, a section that is now known in Zahm for its sense of community and all-for-one mentality. On a more personal level, Wally got me to come out of my shell and take an active role in a section and a dorm that I could not find my niche in. My college experience would not have been the same without Wally.